Living Life

I can't believe my last update was about two months ago! Since then we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. We also went on a big family trip to Hawaii to celebrate being cancer-free!

Aloha!

I've fully entered the "survivorship" phase of cancer recovery. Where I'm trying to live life as "normal" but everything has changed...

Every ache, pain, or lump still scares the heck out of me. Recently I was worried I had a lymph node recurrence but both my surgeon and oncologist assured me that the lumpiness in my armpit is just scar tissue from the four lymph nodes they removed. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I just have to trust God with my life and trust that right now, the cancer is gone, and with His grace it will stay gone forever.

I'm less focused on the "am I going to live another year" thoughts I had in the beginning and find myself more focused on the superficial ways that cancer messed up my life. I fret about how I don't like my short, curly, brown hair. I hate the way my foobs (fake boobs) look in most swimsuits and some tops. I think about how I can't wait until I get my final implants and my hair grows out to a length where I can straighten it again.

This week I've started back to work. Already I'm trying to navigate how I balance work and the life I want to have. A life where I still work hard, but find enough time to focus on exercise and diet, and even more importantly, on faith and family.


I guess there's no playbook for how to live life after you've played ding-dong-ditch with death. I'm just trying to appreciate every day and live a life of joy, not fear. 

2nd to Last Taxol and the 4th of July

On Wednesday I had my second to last Taxol chemo. And this should be (if all goes according to plan), my second to last chemo ever!

On my way to chemo, wearing my Fighting Fancy tank top.

The muscle aches started to set in last night and I will probably stick around for the next 3-4 days. Taxol sucks for me because I like to be active and it really makes me want to sit around and not do anything strenuous. Even walking up our stairs in our three story house can suck at times. Luckily I'm usually back to normal a week afterwards doing walks, hikes, and yoga. Will you please pray that aches don't get to too bad this time because tomorrow is my birthday and I really want to be feeling as good as I can be for it.

Speaking of holidays, yesterday was the 4th of July.

I loved hanging out with this little firecracker... 

But I also felt sad because 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays and I hated being "sick" for it. I'm just sick of being sick. I'm starting to reach the point where I just want my life back and I still have months of dealing with cancer ahead of me even in the best case scenario. Then there's the occasionally-nagging thought that I might only have a few birthdays or 4th Julys left. Sorry if that sounds depressing, but I think any person with cancer would be lying if they said those thoughts didn't cross their mind from time to time.

OK, on to positive thoughts... In just 12 days I'll be DONE with chemo. And I'm one major step closer to beating cancer!

Life Lately

Just a little update on my life since I've not posted in a while...

I'm actually feeling really good three weeks post-chemo. If I still had my hair, I wouldn't even remember that I'd gone through 4 rounds of chemo already. I thank God all the time that I've felt this good during treatment and can enjoy my life with my friends and family.

Out to dinner with friends last weekend

I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant, which means I'm almost full term! I never imagined we'd make it this far. Now I'm just praying and praying baby girl stays healthy and comes out when she feels ready sometime in the next couple of weeks. We have another growth ultrasound next week that I am excited and anxious for. I think she's still growing well because I feel a lot bigger.

This was actually at 35w, I'm bigger now I think

I've been walking a lot for both my health and because I hear that can make babies "drop" and get ready to be born. I do 1.5-3 miles a day depending on how I feel. Last weekend I did a 5k walk for Miracle Babies with a couple of other beautiful moms-to-be. So fun!

Due in August, due in June, due that day!

I celebrated my first Mother's Day as a Mom (to be). We celebrated by having a giant brunch on top of Symphony Towers at the University Club with my parents. It was amazing! Jonathan gave me me the sweetest card that made me cry. I pray this is the first of many many Mother's Days that we get to spend as a family.

The view

Parents to be

Me and my Mom

I'm finishing up my last week of work before maternity leave this week. My company has been so great letting me work part time from home during chemo. My plan is to return to work in the fall after I have surgery for the cancer (which unfortunately means a longer leave than just maternity leave). In the fall I may try to work while doing radiation since I hear that's doable. It's so crazy to think about being away from work for ~5 months. I never taken a break from work or school this long in my life. Strange.

As my big pre-baby project, I've been trying to complete all my digital scrapbooks from prior years before we have an onslaught of baby pictures to albumize. I make my layouts in Photoshop Elements and then get the books printed by Blurb. It's fun but takes a long time. My goal is to finish 2011-2012 by the time the baby arrives and I'm half-way through 2011. You can preview my 2010 book that I just finished here. I love looking at my parents pictures from before I was born and I hope that someday my daughter will like having these books too (she can see how FUN we used to be!).

That's about it for life lately! I'll post updates later next week after the oncologist checkup appointment and growth ultrasound. Thank you for all of your continued prayers for health for me and our little one! I know God is hears them.