Tattoo Love

In October 2013, before I started radiation, the techs gave me four tattoos to mark the "field" that would be radiated 33 times. The only visible tattoo was on the middle left side of my chest (see picture/story here).

For two years I've looked at that dot and thought, "I should tattoo over this and turn it into something beautiful." Because that's what God does; He takes broken things and makes them beautiful.

So last week I did.

I decided to have it turned into a heart to symbolize the love that got me through cancer; the greatest love being from Jesus.

I just love how it turned out. Small but very, very meaningful.

It's a daily reminder of my one of my favorite verses from Romans. One that carried me though cancer treatment... "We also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because God's LOVE has been poured into our HEARTS."

Yes.

Thankfulness

Since November is the month of "thanks", I've been thinking a lot about how much I have to be thankful for. Sometimes don't feel very thankful that I got friggin' breast cancer in the first place, but then I focus on all the blessings that God's given me over the last ninemonths...

The biggest two being that I have a healthy daughter and I BEAT cancer. 

Survivors!

So so so many of my prayer requests have been answered. My faith has been so strengthened during this time both in seeing my prayers answered and knowing that God takes care of us no matter what happens.

Before church one Sunday

My friends and family have been there for me every step of the way. And my parents have been so incredibly helpful with taking care of Elise and me whenever we needed it.

These are just a few of the awesome people who've supported me. Pic taken before the Race for the Cure.

I had 18 amazing milk donors give milk to Elise so that I could have her on 100% donor breast milk for the first 5 months of her life. And some are still donating!

Elise loves donor milk!

So many wonderful people have unexpectedly stepped up to help us. They've donated money to our paypal account for medical bills, helped babysit Elise, sent grocery gift cards for meals, and gave us tons of useful gifts for Elise. My amazing neighbors even donated the proceeds from the annual pub crawl they do to help pay for some of crazy expenses we've incurred this year. 

Right after they gave us the check. We were so touched!

The Bible says "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). The last nine months have truly taught me to do this.

160 Days

For 160 days I had cancer.

Actually, I now know that I probably had cancer for less days than that. But for 160 days I believed I had cancer. I was diagnosed on March 1 and got the news of the complete pathological response on August 8.

160 days is 40 days x 4. In the Bible a 40-something time period (days/years) is a period of testing or trial that ends with a period of restoration or renewal. For Noah it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, Moses was on the mountain 40 days and 40 nights, the Israelites wandered 40 years, Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days, and Jesus was seen on the earth for 40 days after His crucifixion.

I'm not saying I'm Jesus or Moses. But it's pretty awesome to think about how the biggest trial/testing of my life lasted 40 days, 4 times over. God has been faithful and now I should be in the time of renewal and restoration.

I wish I could say that I'm now 100% resting with the peace of God that I'm cancer free. But I can't. It's hard to switch my mind from being a warrior to a survivor when I was a warrior for 160 days and now only a survivor for 30 days.

My 160 day trial built my faith more than I could have ever imagined. I trust God with my life and I trust Him with my death. I know my friends and prayer partners have seen their faith built up by how amazingly God answered so many of our prayers, both little and big. It's truly incredible to see.

But despite the faith and trust that I've built, I still get scared. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't. Every little ache or pain brings up a fear that it could be metastasis. So far each pain has come and gone, but I live in fear that one won't.

So if you think of me, will you please say a prayer for me? One prayer that I'll remember that God is faithful, that I am a survivor, and I don't have to worry. And a second prayer for my continued health; That I've kicked cancer's butt once and forever. Amen.

Surgery Tomorrow

Early tomorrow morning I head into surgery for my double mastectomy.

I have such mixed emotions as I head into surgery. I'm relieved the day is finally here and I can be one big step closer to beating this cancer. I'm nervous about the pain and the limitations during my recovery. I'm hopeful that the pathology report will show little to no cancer left. And I'm scared to death the pathology report will show that 5 months of chemo didn't really work and I'm basically out of options.

Obviously I so appreciate your prayers for a great surgery tomorrow. But I really covet your prayers for August 8 when I get the pathology report. It just has to show that the chemo worked and that very little cancer is left. I just keep praying and praying it will be good and God will show his glory through me beating this cancer. But even if the pathology report is bad, I vow to keep fighting. I won't let that crush my spirit or my resolve.

Also, just a quick update on my last post. Elise's kidney ultrasound was good. It showed a very minor issue with her right kidney that will very likely resolve as she grows. We just have to do a follow up x-ray next month to give us the info we need to find the best course of action to prevent future UTIs. Most importantly our pediatrician assured us that Elise is going to be just fine no matter what. Thank you for the prayers for her.

"My shirt says I'm a sweetheart but I'm a tough cookie like my mom!"