I'm Still Here

It's been a little over 2 years since I last posted and a couple people reached out - hoping all was well. So here is the long overdue update: 

- We now have a two year old baby boy!

- My chemo-sabe-baby is now a big 7 year old. 

- And I am still NED (7 years on 8/8). Praise the Lord! 

- These days I stress less about cancer recurrence and more about Covid-19. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers for us. It means the world to me. 

Four More Years! Four More Years!

No, this isn't about politics. This is about celebrating my 4 years survivor-versary last month!

Only in my wildest dreams could I imagine seeing this date. Thank you Jesus!

4 years! 

Here's the deal -- When I was diagnosed I had a 36% chance of recurrence (remember recurrence almost always means mets, and mets almost always mean death, especially for TNBC).

At four years out I'm down to just a 4% chance of recurrence. Each year after 4 years until 8 years means 1% less chance of recurrence, until it's 0% chance at 8 years.

To illustrate this point, here is a chart that I lifted from a cancer study. This shows how most (i.e. 90%) of my recurrence risk is behind me.

I should cite the study, but I lost the URL. You can just google "TNBC survival curve".

So say it with me... four more years! Four more years!

Speaking of blessings, my little warrior/chemo baby is almost 4.5 years old. I'm LOVING this age with her so much. She's so smart, fun, and funny. I thank God every day for her and the time I've been able to spend with her.

Love my girl 

One thing people don't talk much about is the mental toll of cancer. I'm almost as proud of myself for overcoming the daily anxiety as I am about beating cancer.

As my risk has gone down, my anxiety has gone down with it. I don't subscribe EVERY little thing to cancer anymore -- but it's never too far from my mind. Recently, I've been doing pretty intense Orange Theory workouts and my shoulder started hurting (on my cancer, lymph node removal, radiation side). I whipped myself into a panic that it was mets. As the pain has subsided over the past few days, I'm thinking it was likely a muscle pull (my muscles are MUCH tighter on my left side thanks to mastectomy + radiation).

If I think about all my "scares" in the past four years, I realize there has been a lot. I decided I'd list them all here to show other survivors that all pains and illness are NOT necessarily cancer. Here they all are, none of these turned out to be cancer so far, and most resolved on their own:
- 2013: Sore mid back (likely from pregnancy)
- 2013: Cough that persisted (from a virus)
- 2013: Ringing in ear (maybe from chemo or stress)
- 2013: Blurry vision (from chemo likely)
- 2013: Dizziness (from chemo/rads/stress likely)
- 2013: Sore spot on skull (no idea, resolved on own)
- 2013: Shortness of breath (from my giant tissue expanders pushing on my chest cavity)
- 2014: Sore lymph node spot (residual pain from surgery)
- 2014: Lump on right prophylactic mastectomy foob (ultra-sounded and determined to be fatty scar tissue)
- 2014: Sore rib (probably a pulled muscle, but then I kept pressing on it and made it worse)
- 2014: Bad lower back (from carrying my big baby)
- 2014: Cough that lasted 3 weeks (from a winter virus)
- 2015: Neck pain (from sleeping funny)
- 2015: Broken rib (from falling at football game)
- 2015: Walking pneumonia (from the broken rib)
- 2016: Lump on cancer side foob (felt by onco and determined to be fatty tissue, dissolved over time)
- 2016: Sciatica and lower back pain (x-ray showed slight disk degeneration, also resolved over time, was likely from carrying my big toddler plus lots of long international airplane flights for work)
- 2017: Lump on back of neck (biopsied by derm and was a cyst, not skin mets)
- 2017: Sore shoulder/left back (likely a muscle pull from crazy workouts)

The good news is that my "scares" have decreased a lot over time. I pray that one day I won't even consider cancer as the cause of an ache or illness.

One year and making each day count

The one year anniversary of my diagnosis was on March 1.

On my "cancer-versy" I met up with a young, local mom who is also TNBC survivor to spend the day at the zoo with our little girls. She was diagnosed when her daughter was six weeks old. (Note: WHY is this terrible disease happening to many beautiful, young women? I wish I had millions of dollars to pour into research to understand what's causing this? I hate cancer so much). Then that evening Jonathan I ordered Thai food, drank wine, and hung out with Elise -- thanking God that we'd survived this year.

I've spent a lot of the day thinking about the prayers God answered this year, how much I've been through, and how much I've changed. My faith in God is so much stronger, I think much less about the distant future, and I focus on appreciating the things in life that really matter. March 1, 2013 was such a horrible day that I honestly feel blessed just to have made it through that day and the 364 that followed.

Here is Elise on March 1, 2014. What a difference a year makes.

God, I love this girl.

Shortly after I was diagnosed I found a private, online group that is called the "Kick Ass Cancer Mamas." All of us were diagnosed with cancer while pregnant or with young children (the majority of us with breast cancer). Several women in this group have been and are an amazing resource for me. They've given me encouragement, medical advice, prayers, group therapy, and so much more.

This week I learned that one of my TNBC sisters from the group now has metastasis to the liver. Also known as Stage IV breast cancer. She was declared cancer free a year ago but the f*ing cancer is back. I'm just so mad and sad that this happened to her. Did I mention that I hate cancer?! (Note: If you want to read more and contribute to her fund, go here.)

Hearing that her cancer is back has made me examine my life yet again. So often I feel like I've beat this beast and can move on, but then there are times like this when I wonder if I'm just living on borrowed time and the cancer will return to get me any day. But then I remember that the reality is, all of us are living on borrowed time. I'm just more keenly aware of it at the young age of 30. All us will die someday and give an account of our lives to God. There is no way around that, so you gotta make each day count. 

I actually feel pretty darn good these days, so every morning I tell myself "today, I am healthy" and aim to make each day count. I do this by...

• Cherishing every moment with Elise, even when she is up in middle of the night.
• Working hard at my job to make good money so that we can pay for Jonathan's master's degree and he can have a great career like I do.
• Seeing my family and extended family as much as I can.
• Looking for opportunities to serve and help people with my time, prayers, or resources. 
• Keeping in contact with friends, both new and old, and finding quality time to spend together. Every weekend I try to see someone (or multiple someones) that I care about.
• Telling my story as much as I can so that people will see the power of God and His ability to answer prayers. If you read my prayer request page, you'll be amazed at just how many specific prayers God has answered over the course of this year. I want people to see that when times get tough God will provide emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Jesus said in John 16, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." After this year I know that this statement is true, and my prayers is that others do too. 

Thankfulness

Since November is the month of "thanks", I've been thinking a lot about how much I have to be thankful for. Sometimes don't feel very thankful that I got friggin' breast cancer in the first place, but then I focus on all the blessings that God's given me over the last ninemonths...

The biggest two being that I have a healthy daughter and I BEAT cancer. 

Survivors!

So so so many of my prayer requests have been answered. My faith has been so strengthened during this time both in seeing my prayers answered and knowing that God takes care of us no matter what happens.

Before church one Sunday

My friends and family have been there for me every step of the way. And my parents have been so incredibly helpful with taking care of Elise and me whenever we needed it.

These are just a few of the awesome people who've supported me. Pic taken before the Race for the Cure.

I had 18 amazing milk donors give milk to Elise so that I could have her on 100% donor breast milk for the first 5 months of her life. And some are still donating!

Elise loves donor milk!

So many wonderful people have unexpectedly stepped up to help us. They've donated money to our paypal account for medical bills, helped babysit Elise, sent grocery gift cards for meals, and gave us tons of useful gifts for Elise. My amazing neighbors even donated the proceeds from the annual pub crawl they do to help pay for some of crazy expenses we've incurred this year. 

Right after they gave us the check. We were so touched!

The Bible says "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). The last nine months have truly taught me to do this.

Gratitude

Even though the past two weeks have been enormously difficult, they've made me realize just how much I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for all the friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers who've sent flowers, cards, useful care packages, and notes. I sucks I had to get cancer to realize just how loved I am.

So much love in our dining room

I'm so thankful we live in San Diego where my family and "extended family" are. Of course my parents have been amazing -- coming to countless doctors appointments with us, buying us dinner, and just being there for us.

I'm thankful that I work for a great company that has good benefits for situations like mine and I'm thankful that the leadership I work with has been so supportive during my diagnosis.

I'm thankful that I'm still pregnant with this baby girl and I'm still feeling well enough to attend her baby shower next weekend.

27 weeks!

I'm thankful for the cancer survivors that I've met so far who have given me words of wisdom, support, inspiration, and guidance on everything from what products to use during chemo to what doctors to consult.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers from people I both know and don't know. I know there are individuals, families, bible studies, and other groups of people around the country praying for us which is just awesome. Keep 'em coming! God is faithful.

Finally, I'm eternally thankful for my amazing husband. We never could have guessed that the "in sickness" part of our  "in sickness and health" vows would come so soon, but I'm so blessed that he is the one who's by my side in all of this.