Thankfulness

Since November is the month of "thanks", I've been thinking a lot about how much I have to be thankful for. Sometimes don't feel very thankful that I got friggin' breast cancer in the first place, but then I focus on all the blessings that God's given me over the last ninemonths...

The biggest two being that I have a healthy daughter and I BEAT cancer. 

Survivors!

So so so many of my prayer requests have been answered. My faith has been so strengthened during this time both in seeing my prayers answered and knowing that God takes care of us no matter what happens.

Before church one Sunday

My friends and family have been there for me every step of the way. And my parents have been so incredibly helpful with taking care of Elise and me whenever we needed it.

These are just a few of the awesome people who've supported me. Pic taken before the Race for the Cure.

I had 18 amazing milk donors give milk to Elise so that I could have her on 100% donor breast milk for the first 5 months of her life. And some are still donating!

Elise loves donor milk!

So many wonderful people have unexpectedly stepped up to help us. They've donated money to our paypal account for medical bills, helped babysit Elise, sent grocery gift cards for meals, and gave us tons of useful gifts for Elise. My amazing neighbors even donated the proceeds from the annual pub crawl they do to help pay for some of crazy expenses we've incurred this year. 

Right after they gave us the check. We were so touched!

The Bible says "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). The last nine months have truly taught me to do this.

Done with Radiation!

Yesterday was my final day of radiation! Not only was it my last day of radiation, it was my last day of all cancer treatment. Forever.

It's hard to believe I've been in treatment for 8 months. It seems both shorter and longer. It's still kind of surreal.

I had 33 rounds of radiation. 27 to my whole breast, chest, and armpit. And the final 6 were to my mastectomy scar line. I'm happy to report that burns in my armpit are already getting better thanks to Aquaphor, Miaderm, and Silver Sulfadiazine cream. I'm starting to feel major fatigue and probably will for the next several weeks. But it's nothing I can't manage.

Elise came with me to my last day of radiation (she stayed in the waiting room with my Mom). We wore pink to celebrate!

DONE!

Now I will have follow up appointments with all three of my oncologists (radiation, medical, and surgical) every 3-4 months. And in 6 months I can have my permanent reconstruction surgery (the implants I have now are temporary). TNBC is most likely to reoccur/metastasize within three years, so there will be lots of vigilance in watching me for a while.

Burn Baby Burn

I've now finished 27 of my 33 radiation treatments and I am burning. My whole left chest, breast, and armpit looks like they have the worst sunburn you can imagine. The most painful area is my armpit. It's so red it's almost purple. I'd post a picture but I don't want to scare people. Seriously. I put the rx creams and lotions on it constantly but I'm still burning. On Monday I'm going to talk to my radiation oncologist about how many more treatments my poor skin can tolerate. Please pray that I don't burned too bad.

Radiation is also zapping my energy. I cannot wait until it's over and I can spend some much-needed time resting and recovering.

I keep reminding myself that I'm close to the END. When I'm finished with radiation, I'm finished with cancer treatment. For good.

I see my medical oncologist and breast surgeon next week for my 3 month follow up. It's been almost 3 months since my surgery and NED declaration. I'll see them every 3-6 months for a while. I know these appointments are routine, but they still scare me. Please pray that I will have good appointments and no recurrence scares.

In happier news, Elise is a great joy and a distraction from the pain and anxiety of all of this. She really gets cuter every day. I'm just in love with this age. She's now 5 months! 

My heart

This weekend I'm leading the "A Bump and A Lump" team in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5k. I'll post pictures and more about it next week! 

Radiation In Progress

I've now had 7 radiation treatments and so far it's been easy. The biggest pain is driving to La Jolla every day and getting childcare for Elise. But the treatments are quick and painless (so far). I'm already starting to experience some of the fatigue that can come along with radiation (or maybe I just have a 4 month old?).

My radiation countdown calendar -- photo take after radiation #3

They only radiate my left armpit and left chest. So they gave me four "prison tattoos" to mark the borders of the treatment area so that they radiate the same place every time.

Here is one of them...

Gangsta

Torture Expansion, I mean Tissue Expansion, is complete

I explained a little bit in prior posts about reconstruction after a mastectomy. But here's a quick recap... all of the breast tissue was removed during the surgery, then temporary implants were placed behind my pectoral muscles, and I'll get a final set of implants (still behind the pec muscles) in about six months.

The temporary implants are called "tissue expanders" because they start small and are slowly filled with saline via a port over several weeks to stretch out the pectoral muscles to hold a final implant later.

For you visual learners, here is what that looks like... 

From John's Hopkins

So for the past several weeks I've been seeing my plastic surgeon for "expansions" or "fills" of my tissue expanders. We had to complete all my fills pretty quickly because no more fills can occur during or after radiation.

Remember how I said the tissue expanders are behind the pectoral muscles? Yeah, so that means the tissue expansion process hurts like b*tch. Like seriously, I thought I had a high pain tolerance until this. For several days after each expansion any movement I make that engages my pectoral muscles hurts like crazy. Just when I'd start to feel almost better, I'd get another expansion.

This week I had my final fill, and I'm so glad to be done because this one hurt the most. It's been three days since the fill and it still hurts to take a deep breath. Oh and my back hurts a lot too because those muscles are trying compensate for the strain on the pecs. Wonderful.

This would all be manageable, but I have a 16 pound baby to pick up and carry around! It's not that I can't pick her up, it's just that each time I do I feel a lot of pain. She's so cute though, it makes up for it.

Hi Elise!

Sorry if this was a whiny post, but I'm just sick of being in pain, and I'm sick of people saying "at least you get a free boob job." Believe me, if boob jobs were this painful, no one would get them.

160 Days

For 160 days I had cancer.

Actually, I now know that I probably had cancer for less days than that. But for 160 days I believed I had cancer. I was diagnosed on March 1 and got the news of the complete pathological response on August 8.

160 days is 40 days x 4. In the Bible a 40-something time period (days/years) is a period of testing or trial that ends with a period of restoration or renewal. For Noah it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, Moses was on the mountain 40 days and 40 nights, the Israelites wandered 40 years, Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days, and Jesus was seen on the earth for 40 days after His crucifixion.

I'm not saying I'm Jesus or Moses. But it's pretty awesome to think about how the biggest trial/testing of my life lasted 40 days, 4 times over. God has been faithful and now I should be in the time of renewal and restoration.

I wish I could say that I'm now 100% resting with the peace of God that I'm cancer free. But I can't. It's hard to switch my mind from being a warrior to a survivor when I was a warrior for 160 days and now only a survivor for 30 days.

My 160 day trial built my faith more than I could have ever imagined. I trust God with my life and I trust Him with my death. I know my friends and prayer partners have seen their faith built up by how amazingly God answered so many of our prayers, both little and big. It's truly incredible to see.

But despite the faith and trust that I've built, I still get scared. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't. Every little ache or pain brings up a fear that it could be metastasis. So far each pain has come and gone, but I live in fear that one won't.

So if you think of me, will you please say a prayer for me? One prayer that I'll remember that God is faithful, that I am a survivor, and I don't have to worry. And a second prayer for my continued health; That I've kicked cancer's butt once and forever. Amen.

Radiate Me

Despite my amazing pathology report from surgery and the great job the chemo did in kicking the cancer's butt, I'm still going to be doing radiation.

So, why radiation if there are likely no living cancer cells left?

Because there still could be a few rouge cancer cells left around the chest wall or lymph node areas that surgery didn't find and chemo didn't kill. So radiation is the final weapon in our arsenal to kill any potential cells left. Also, I did have at least one positive lymph node before chemo which often means radiation is often recommended in that case. And because I'm young and have triple negative breast cancer which is known to be aggressive, all three of my oncologists recommend not skipping radiation, so I'm doing it.

I'll have 6 weeks of radiation starting in early October. I'll go every day, Monday through Friday to have my left breast area and lymph node area around it radiated. The actual radiation takes less than 10 minutes each day; the annoying part is going every day.

The radiation is only to one area of my body, so usually the side effects are minimal. There is some burning to the skin (like a bad sunburn) and some people experience a lot of fatigue. But it's nowhere close to as bad as chemo in terms of side effects.

Sometimes radiation can cause problems for breast reconstruction. So I'm definitely praying that doesn't happen. But if it does, I'll deal with it. I'm less concerned with having perfect breasts than I am at being able to live to see Elise grow up.

Once I start radiation I'll do another post about what it's like and how it's going. You can read more about radiation and watch a video about it here if this topic interests you. I know radiation isn't portrayed in the movies/TV shows for cancer treatment like chemo is, so most people have no idea what it is.


What radiation looks like. That's not me.

Once I finish radiation I'm DONE with all cancer treatments. It will be so amazing to finally be done! 

Surgery, recovery, surgery

I realized I never posted about how the actual surgery went besides being declared cancer free! So I'll post about that and how recovery is going now.

My actual surgery was great. I had the dream team of my breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, anesthesiologist (who's a great friend of the family), and nurses. One of my nurses was actually a good friend of mine's mom! They all did a phenomenal job. They told my family that my surgery was routine and textbook. 

Then I recovered in Scripps hospital for 2 nights. The nurses there were super sweet and took great care of me. Since then I've been recovering at home and my parents house near mine. It's hard because my arms are super immobile and I just feel uncomfortable a lot. I can't do anything for Elise since I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs for 4 weeks. So Jon and my parents have been doing a great job keeping her happy and healthy. 

All was going pretty well until this Wednesday when I had a hematoma (broken blood vessel) pop up out of nowhere on my upper left chest. I went straight to my plastic surgeon's office and he decided it needed surgery. So later that day I was back in the OR under anesthesia (our awesome anesthesiologist friend did it again). After 30 mins they found the bleeder, fixed it, and I was back in recovery. Now I'm feeling ok minus a lot of soreness on my left side and the stupid surgical drain that I have on that side still (my right drain is out!). 

And since everyone asks me about reconstruction, so here is the deal... When you have a mastectomy you have zero breast tissue left, so they can't just put an implant on your chest like a boob job since there is nothing to hold it. So during my mastectomy the plastic surgeon put expanders behind my chest muscles. Now over several weeks he will slowly fill those expanders until I start radiation. Then several months after radiation he will replace the expanders with silicon in another surgery. So it's a long process.